Building a healthy relationship with yourself and with others

“There are people who want changes in their life as long as it costs them nothing.  People want things but aren’t willing to go through what it takes to get their breakthrough. I am ready now. The time is right. I can handle it now. I can deal with it now. If God had done it five years ago, I wouldn’t haven’t been able to handle it, but I’ve grown up now. Now you can zap me with you favor. Now you can release what you have for me. Now I know how to hold it. Now I know how to not blow the job. Not blow the favor. Not blow the grace. Now I know how to treat somebody in my life. Now I know how to do business in high places. I’m ready now.” ~ Excerpt from Bishop T.D. Jakes’ sermon, “Growing Into God’s Favor”

I shared that excerpt from Bishop T.D. Jakes’ sermon because so often we say, “I want…” or “I’m ready…”. We find ourselves looking at other people’s lives and wonder why they are getting the job of their dreams, the relationship of their dreams, the financial blessings, etc., but we aren’t. We are on the outside looking in. We don’t know what they have gone through to get to where they are. We don’t know what pruning or growth process they have been through for God to say, “Now is YOUR time.” Even if you personally know them, you will never know their FULL story. You know what they want you to know. But here’s something for you to keep in mind, just like God has blessings for them, He has blessings for you too, but if He gives it to you before you are ready for it, you might mess it up. Saying you are ready, doesn’t necessarily mean you are ready. You say you are ready, but you are still practicing those same habits you were practicing in the past. You are still holding on to the same fears, same dysfunctions, same thoughts, same behaviors, following the same patterns. You haven’t done anything different in your life, but you say you are ready.   Ask yourself, am I really mentally, emotionally, and physically ready for what I am asking God for?

As a GenXer, I am always amazed by the awesome things I see Millennials doing. I sometimes find myself asking, “What have the Millennials figured out that some of us GenXers haven’t?” and I must admit, it made me feel some kind of way, but then I had a moment of reflection.  I thought about a number of people who didn’t achieve success until later in life. People such as Julia Child, Samuel Jackson, Martha Stewart, Colonel Sanders, Vera Wang, Henry Ford, and the list goes on.

It doesn’t matter if you are a baby boomer or GenXer, you’re never too old to follow your dreams.  C.S. Lewis said it best, “You’re never too old to set another goal or to dream a new dream.” If you think it’s too late to “chase” your dream, then you are your own dream killer.  You want to achieve your dreams? The first step is believing in yourself. Age ain’t nothing but a number. You’re never too old (or too young).

One of the things I am learning as I am building a brand and building a business is that most of the help I get, I have to pay for it.  I have helped SO MANY people over the years (mentoring them, advising them, supporting them, etc.), and although I didn’t do it expecting something in return, but yes, when I am in a place of need, there is an expectation that those I have helped will be there to help me, but the reality is that many people that receive help aren’t willing or aren’t willing to help for free (even though I helped them for free). Yes, I do tell them that they are all out of free when it comes to their business, but if someone helped you and your business grow, your rate for others should not be applicable to those who have blessed you. Perhaps I am delusional in my thinking.

This week, on social media, I posted, “If we don’t inspire, motivate, or support one another, we have no business in contact.” Quite a few people commented on and/or liked the post.  If you have people in your life that only want to take, but not give, and don’t support, inspire or motivate you, it’s time to re-evaluate your circle, and time for you to re-evaluate who you so freely give to. Reciprocity – you can’t expect everyone to believe in it.

“Stop feeding your history – don’t feed the betrayal. don’t feed the hurt. If you needed them, God wouldn’t have let them leave. Don’t put a question mark where God has put a period. Don’t keep mourning over something you cannot change – always thinking about it, wondering why it didn’t work out. When you quit putting energy into your history and start putting it into your destiny, God will give you beauty for those ashes.”

When I heard Joel Osteen say those words, I instantly thought, “It’s the replay that gets you.”  You spend so much time replaying the scenario over and over in your head, and some of you probably tell it over and over to your family and/or friends.  There’s a quote I really like that says, “Don’t be afraid to lose what was never meant to be.” Oh, here’s one more quote, “Sometimes He blesses us not in what He gives us, but what He takes away.” Some of you are putting a question mark where God put a period.  You are preventing yourself from moving forward because you REFUSE to let go of the past. You keep hitting the mental rewind button as if it’s a good movie you want to continuously replay.  Stop watering things that were never meant to grow in your life. Bishop T.D. Jakes said it best when he said, “Stop wasting water on dead issues, dead relationships, and a dead past. No matter how much you water concrete, you can’t grow a garden.” Stop feeding your history!

Nicole L. Turner is known as The Detox Strategist™.  As a Detox Strategist, Nicole helps individuals and organizations identify the toxicities in their individual lives, relationships, and organizations that are preventing them from reaching their full potential and helps them develop a strategy and framework they need to reach their goals. Nicole is also an author. Her books can be found at

A lot of people say they want this or they want that, but they aren’t willing to do what it takes to get what they want. If you’re constantly making goals, but not achieving them, there’s a disconnect between your desires and your actions. It’s time to make some changes.

Perhaps your goal is to quit your job and start a new business – well, we all know that takes a certain level of financial security.  The first step may be to work your side hustle while you’re working your full-time job to build up your bank account. The second step may be to cut back on eating out or shopping or whatever your “thing” is. Do forensics on your bank account to see what you spend money on each month and then decide what’s necessity and what’s “nice to haves” & limit the “nice to haves”.

Maybe your goal is to get healthier. A healthy lifestyle definitely takes a lot of discipline. Perhaps the first thing you should consider is turning off the TV, cancelling the cable bill.  It’s so easy to plop down on the couch and watch TV. As we all know, binge eating happens in front of the TV. Take the time you used to watch your favorite TV show and get moving. Okay, if you can’t completely give up the TV, while you are watching your favorite TV show, exercise during commercial breaks (e.g., do situps, pushups, squats, jumping jacks, jump rope, etc).

You want to become debt free. I’m going to repeat some of what I said in a previous paragraph. Identify areas where you are wastefully spending, and make a conscious effort to apply the wastefully spending money to debt.  So what if you can’t hang out with your friends as much as you want or buy those new pair of jeans you just have to have. What’s more important to you – a temporary “feel good” or financial freedom and knowing that long gone are the days of stressing and worrying about money.

Maybe your goal is to find love – then I suggest you do a self-assessment. Reflect back on the common behaviors/patterns that were evident in if not all, most of your relationships. Ask yourself what unresolved issues are you carrying around. What baggage do you need to let go of? Some of your issues may require therapy. Guess what, therapy is NOT a bad thing. If you are serious about finding love, it starts with self-love and being the best version of you that you can be for yourself.  Also, stop being driven by loneliness.  So many people end up in unhealthy relationships because of loneliness.  So what if you don’t have a date on Friday night. So what if all of your friends have mates.  The sacrifice you make today (to heal from your past wounds, get therapy if needed, taking a break from dating, self-love) will payoff later. A happier, mental and emotional healthier you will attract the same.  “If you don’t sacrifice for what you want, what you want will be the sacrifice.”

It’s been a few weeks since my last blog. Several people reached out to me to ask if I was going to write an end-of-the-year blog. I thought about it. Pondered what could I say that everyone else wasn’t already saying.

Many people felt like 2016 was a difficult year for them – it was a year of heartache, losses, disappointment, setbacks, breakdowns, transition, and the list goes on. As we embark on 2017, I am going to highlight the last two numbers, 17.  In the Bible, the number 17 symbolizes “overcoming the enemy” and “complete victory”. Some of you feel like the enemy was very present in your life in 2016, but 2017 is a new year, full of new opportunities for you.  Thank 2016 for the lessons and let 2017 know that you’re ready! The future is exciting (believe it and receive it). Tomorrow is the first blank page of a 365-page book. Write a good one. Wishing you all a wonderful new year, one that’s FULL of blessings and enlarged territories.